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"I wanna be like Mike"

Sure, a lot of guys talk tough  -- on big and small screens alike.  But does your favorite crime-buster really measure up to you-know-who?  We'll (meaning a distinguished panel of myself and a bored co-worker) be the judges of that!

Case 1: Thomas Magnum (Magnum, P.I.)

Hard-assness: 4
Womanizing: 7
Pizzazz: 6
Would Velda do him? Velda wouldn't touch any man in a Hawaiian shirt.

Overall Hammer rating: 5.6 -- Selleck may be hot, hard-bodied and hairy, but you'd never see Mike Hammer leave a crime scene in a fucking Ferrari.  

Case 2: Shaft

Hard-assness: 8
Womanizing: 10
Pizzazz: 9
Would Velda do him? She'd have to take a number and get in line.  Damn right.

Overall Hammer rating: 9 -- "Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine with the chicks?" Now HOW can you argue with that? This cat can give me the "shaft" any damn time...


Case 3: Ford Fairlane

Hard-assness: 2 (Dumbass is more like it.)
Womanizing: 7
Pizzazz: 3
Would Velda do him?  And hear about it later in the form of a nursery rhyme? No thanks -- our gal Velda's a classier dame than that.

Overall Hammer rating: 4 -- And that's being generous. Rock 'n' roll over, Mr. "Rock 'n' Roll Detective," and give me a real man.


Case 4: Special Agent Fox Mulder

Hard-assness: 4
Womanizing: 1
Pizzazz: 9
Would Velda do him?  If Scully can't get down his pants after umpteen seasons, why would Velda have a shot?

Overall Hammer rating: 4.8 -- This kid's got style, no doubt about that. (Hammer would definitely approve of the tie collection.) But when it comes to the ladies, he falls flat. Partner Scully needs something stiff in her life -- and not the kind of stiff she keeps down at the morgue.


Case 5: Quincy M.E.

Hard-assness: 1
Womanizing: 2
Pizzazz: 2
Would Velda do him?  Only if she's one of those women with a grandfather fetish.

Overall Hammer rating: 1.8 -- It's hard to talk tough when the meanest weapon at your disposal is an autopsy saw.

Got a crime-fighter you'd like us to rate? (We'd be more than happy!) Drop me a line: