Granted, dating sucks no matter where you are. But to make matters worse, our great, freedom-loving nation has been infiltrated by pretty-boy Ken dolls and joystick junkies who'd rather blast up alien worlds than rock a lady's world.
But thankfully, there are a few decent, red-blooded men left out there. Rugged American men who work hard, play hard and stay hard. Men with style, who know what a dame wants -- and won't leave her wanting by the end of the night.
We all know Mike Hammer fits the bill here, but he's fiction. The following men aren't.
This is meant to be a showcase of real-life men's men I've uncovered -- and single ones, at that. This is not -- I repeat -- NOT a dating service; it's more like a rating service. (But if you're dying to meet one, I'd be more than happy to pass your e-mail on to my subjects.)
Enough sales pitch, already... Ladies, step up to the "Mikes"...
Case 1: John E. Occupation: 8 He may not be a private dick, but this newspaperman is nothing but slick. Roughing up a source in an alley isn't his game -- he's never had to force information out. After all, he's a smooth talker -- something even Hammer's gotta admire in a fellow. In a bar, he'll order: 7 When he's out with the fellas, his tastes are quite utilitarian: A Bud Light will do. But when he's out with a broad, he rolls out the red carpet. Expect a Tom Collins or SoCo with Cranberry juice -- on the rocks, thank you very much! How to treat a lady? 8 When asked this question, Mr. E. grinned, blushed and put his head in hands. OK, OK... so he doesn't kiss and tell. (A mark of class in and of itself.) Wardrobe: 5 Nothing but Hilfiger for our boy John ... a little prissy for Hammer's tastes, but a real hit with some dames. Tough-guy credentials: 7 John hails from the mean streets of Pittsburgh, where life is hard every single damn day -- a virtual breeding ground for the Mike Hammers of this world.
Overall Hammer rating: 7 In short, John E. is old-school all the way; he knows how to treat a lady with the right touch, whether she's an apprehensive damsel or an experienced dame. And word on the street is, he's anything but a hair-trigger... Woof!
Case 2: Larry G.
Occupation: 8 He's a hard-boiled crime reporter with a nose for news -- and an eye for the ladies. In a bar, he'll order: 10 Any damn thing he wants. Our suave Mr. G. knows every bartender in town. Translation: Free drinks and no cover. Ever. How to treat a lady? 9 Larry says he learned how to treat a dame from his old man, but his current gal Friday has it any way but easy: "I turn her down allthe time," he crows. "Face-down." Wardrobe: 8 Always dapper in his khakis and Docs, Larry tends to be a pretty snappy dresser. (And undresser, inside sources say.) Tough-guy credentials: 8 A 3 1/2-year stint in the Navy gave this bad boy some rough edges -- just the way we like 'em.
Overall Hammer rating:8.6 Even off a boat, knees still wobble when this ex-sailor comes around.
Got a nominee for Mike-alikes... or do you simply wanna know more? E-mail me: